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Damn, I am a good cook. As you can read in today's Sausage Chronicles Update, I made a killer sausage dinner. I really don't have much to say… but leave it to say, I am a great cook.

Posted in Smirks.

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By Avery – August 12, 1998

Like Sardines

More often than not, our underground public transit system makes people edgy and tense. The tension may be so great that some of these people may even begin to think that they have special powers. To onlookers, it appears that in their minds these people are the size of a small cornish game hen, because every time a packed train pulls up to the station, at least one of them tries to squeeze into the one square foot of space that is left. Less than one square foot of space left, you say? Never fear! It appears as though their powers also have a built-in pushing feature, where they squish people even tighter together with just one evil look! The most horrid thing of all is that once one of them transforms into the game hen, a few others will inevitably do the same. There’s at least one transformer at every station, so beware!

Posted in Muni Chronicles.

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By Janet – August 11, 1998

Hairwatch ’98

What better excuse to go to the Toronado twice in one day but their Eleventh Anniversary? (or any of their anniversaries, for that matter.) I mean, how can you beat $4.00 for a PINT of Framboise, a drink which is usually $6.50 and comes in a fancy glass that’s smaller than a pint. Raspberry heaven! That was at 3:00. At around 9:00 we went back to visit the 9 PM-shift bartenders Johnny and Ian, who for some reason decided it was Disco Night and were wearing the appropriate 70’s clothing. Ian’s shirt was covered with butterflies that resembled flying watermelons (that was the 70’s for ya.)

HairWatch ’98 Update: The astute reader may remember that a week or so ago, I was a little disappointed that Johnny had cut off all of his blonde and spikey hair. Good news! It will be blonde again! (I got this right from the horse’s mouth!)

Posted in The Barfly Chronicles.

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By Janet – August 10, 1998

The Toronado’s 11th Anniversary

Sorry it took so long to get this Barfly update loaded! The Eighth was the Toronado’s 11th anniversary, and a good portion of the day was spent there, drinking two dollar beer and eating Rosamunde’s wonderful weiner schnitzel and roasted potatoes.

The crowd was much better behaved this year than last year. Last year was 10 days of highly publicised debauchery. This year was a nice, [relatively] quiet celebration… with most of the locals showing up at least once or twice throughout the night.

I had my 10th Anchor Small beer, and enjoyed a number of great beers from Liefman’s (including a goudenband, the sour lambic ale and a framboise), as well as the afore mentioned Anchor Small Beer and a great unfiltered Eye of the Hawk. It’s good that I had the Framboise early in the night, because they ran out at 10pm. This Wednesday is Boddington’s night… $2.00 pints until it runs out!

Posted in General Ramblings.

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By Avery – August 10, 1998

Reviewing the Beer Review

It’s funny… you can now find beer “experts” writing about the “joys of
beer” in every fashion magazine out there. Janet has a subscription to Elle
which never seems to run out, though she never renews the damn thing.

Anyway, this obviously untalented freelancer got assigned the ignominious
task of writing another 100 word microbrewed/craft brewed beer story. How
can you sum up 750 years of modern brewing to an audience that thinks that
Amstel Light is exotic?

 
Click photo for the
full story. (200 k)

Ok. If you are going to write a beer article, there is only ONE expert to
call on. That man is Michael Jackson (no, not the one-gloved wonder, the
most well respected beer ciritc in the world). Essex found this guy named
Bruce Aidells. I’ve never heard of him… the only Aidell that I know of
makes sausages, and is not a well published beer critic. I’ve never seen
him mentioned in Celebrator Beer News, the beer monthly for the west… so
I don’t take anything that he says as the opinion of an “expert”.

Point Two: Aidells recommends a “Sam Adams Wheat Brew”. No such thing. Does
he mean the Sam Adams Summerfest Beer? The White Ale? Which one? This is
akin to Elle Magazine (where this article was published) recommending the
“Red MAC Lipstick”… not specific enough to be useful to the comsumer reading
the article.

Point Three: They consider Sam Adams a “Microbrewed” beer. Nope. Sam Adams
falls out of that federal classification. They are now considered a “craft”
beer… and hardly that by any serious beer drinker.

Point Four: In the picture, they show Carta Blanca and Sapporo Silver. Neither
of these beers even have a hint of character, and are mass produced. Sorry,
no microbrews here!

Point Five: We don’t need to hear this Guinness and Oysters pairing again.
Can we get over the urban myth that Guinness has oyster shells in the mash?
Guinness overpowers oysters. I prefer a bitter beer like the Anchor Small
Beer with Oysters… but, I know of no restauranteur who would pair oysters
with a beer when they could pair them with a Chardonnay or a nice Brut
Champagne. I could also recommend Guinness with a bagel with lox and onions….
it’s not bad, but adds nothing to the eating/drinking experience.

Point Six: El Bobo. San Francisco. Guinness Chocolate Cake made with Guinness.
‘Nuff Said

Point Seven: Fact Check much, idiot? The beer that you referred to as “Polander”
is Paulaner, one of the oldest Bavarian Brewers. They’ve been making beer
for longer than the United States has existed. They deserve better than this.

Point Eight: Paulaner Brewery (see point seven) brews a number of beers:

  • A light Hefeweisen, with a strong yeast taste
  • Salvator, a strong, malty doppelbock
  • A pilsner, which is mild and malty, with a strong Saaz hops nose
  • A “Munchener Lager” which I have never had before

They make more than those, but it’s all I can recall at this time. So, which
Paulaner beer are you referring to… hmm??

Final Grade: F. Go back to school, you hack. You and your editor should be
canned for this one.

Posted in Scowls.

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By Avery – August 10, 1998

Boob!

Topic #8
Boob! Tube! TV Sucks!

Avery

Janet

Ok, let me start this off by saying that I don't hate TV. My TV is an inanimate object. I don't hate inanimate objects… well, unless you count some of the people I work with, which are essentially dead weights, but I digress…

I am, however, extremely unhappy with the current programming on these days. So, for the next few minutes, you are going to get to read about my least favorite things about the shows on TV these days.

First off, let me warn you, this is NOT a "TV is the poison of the masses" rant… this is a "God, can you believe that she wore THAT when going into trial?" sort of rant.

This leads us into the most disappointing show of the season: Ally McBeal. There are so many reasons to hate this show: the mockery that they make of women's issues (like I really care&#41, the mockery that they make of the legal system (like I really care&#41, the short skirts that all of the women wear (ok, I do like that&#41… the list goes on and on. What I hate is the fact that when the first episode came out, it seemed like an original sort of concept. Now, it's just a bad comedy disguised as a drama with annoying special effects and that FUCKING ANNOYING DANCING BABY! Ally McBeal is like a car wreck… as bloody and gory as it is each week, I just have to watch.

Another show that I happen to hate is King of the Hill. This is a show that was passable on the first few episodes. It went from innovative, to becoming a stereotype of the characters that they created. On top of everything, they're getting a wee bit preachy, don't you think? Why not slap a freaking cross on Peggy and have Hank wear a "Jesus Saves" ball cap. How the hell this show got any Emmy nominations is beyond me.

Next on the hit parade is South Park. This is a hard one, I really loved South Park… that is until everyone else in the civilized world started watching South Park. It was funny… it's still funny. I just don't like fact that the rest of the world finds it funny.

What else do I hate? I don't hate talk shows.. I don't hate infomercials. I hate my cable company… for fifty dollars a month, I would like to get the Cartoon Channel or E!. Oh look, Ally is "kickboxing" again. I wish Lucia Rijker (the best women's boxer and kickboxer in the world&#41 would get in the ring with her and snap her pointy little head off.

Ooh, an advertisement for next week's Melrose Place. Ooh, Josie Bissett couldn't get any other jobs so she is crawling back to the show again. Pardon me while I go to the bathroom and vomit up the chicken that I made for dinner.

Give me the good old days! The days where comedies were funny and dramas were serious. Give me a Hill Street Blues and a side order of Family Ties. Give me TV that makes me laugh and cry… not TV that makes me retch.

This particular topic was born while watching the weirdness that is Fox Monday Night Television. Though they just installed our digital cable, it is already malfunctioning (Go TCI! Is that a record?&#41 and the remote won't change the channel. You have to go all the way over to the TV and manually change the channel like in the olden days, and who's gonna do that? I used to never miss Melrose Place. No one in my office ever missed Melrose Place. At one point, we were all so into it that we drew a Melrose Place relationship chart on the white board, for god's sake. Now, I have to literally stop myself from slipping into a coma when it's on. What happened, Mr. Spelling? Who knew there was a limit to all that debauchery?

After the sedative that is Melrose Place, we're then subjected to the latest 90-pound weakling disguised as female empowerment, Ally McBeal. If I see one more .sig file quoting something that this whimpering skeleton said on the show, I may spontaneously combust. I'm all for good ensemble shows, and this one has a great ensemble cast, especially the "Biscuit", that guy from Ghostbusters who wanted to steal the baby for the Guy in the Evil Painting.

Don't get me wrong, I love TV. Our cable once went out and I swear I had a panic attack. Sometimes just getting the fuzzy local channels is worse than having no channels at all. Reminds me of my childhood. Anyway, the TV is always on in this house. We'd even rather have Baywatch on then nothing, and at times we've actually get involved in the storyline (but what's with all of those music video-type montages?&#41 Since it's on so much, we see all kinds of cool and informative shows: cooking, nature, Japanese dramas, Japanese science shows, shows about cats, wombats, Thompson's Gazelles, documentaries, the Les Miz special where the Valjeans from all over the world sing together…much of what I know, dare I say, even MOST of what I know I probably learned from TV. Case in point: One night in the Melrose Place courtyard (back in the day&#41, Allison shouted something about not wanting any "ersatz sympathy." I immediately looked up "ersatz" and have remembered it (and even used it a few times in a sentence!&#41 ever since. That is why I will never understand the parents who forbid their children to watch television. What's a book going to do for you that TV can't? Kids who can't read are being passed through until graduation, for Christ's sake, they may as well get some cheap entertainment along the way. 

All in all, TV doesn't really suck, except maybe when you've only seen a show three times and every time it happens to be a repeat of the first one. I am a fan of TV. I miss Married…With Children and Roseanne, and that show with Jon Cryer that got cancelled, and Diff'rent Strokes (poor little mall security guard Arnold&#41 and the Facts of Life.

Homer Simpson once accused, "Are you hugging the TV?"

Yep.

Posted in Topics of the Week (1990s).

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By Admin – August 10, 1998