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Archived Observation

Another update to the San Francisco 1999 Fashion Faux-Pas List:

4-29-99: Portico Cafe, 1st and Mission St.
The offense? Three letters: V P L. That's right, the dreaded Visible Panty Lines.

I know that the first thing that comes to your mind is "Hey, why are you looking at other people's asses when you are married to the beautiful and wonderfully charming Janet?" The reason is quite simple: I'm married, not dead. Before you get on your huffy high-horse or anything, it's not like I am ogling, staring or lusting after these asses… it's just that I tend to notice people's outfits when they walk by. Plus, it's an integral part in my research for the Fashion Faux Pas List.

Anyway, back to asses… pantied asses to be specific. There is nothing more disgusting than noticing a well put together outfit, just to see the person turn around and see a big honkin' v-shaped pair of panty-lines running up the side of each cheek.

Ugh. Can we say tacky?

Not that I want to start discussing Janet's choice of underwear or anything, but there is a great invention out there called the thong. I have heard that some people complain that they're uncomfortable, but I've never heard Janet complain when she's putting them on. Maybe some people find them uncomfortable because (I'm guessing here) they buy the wrong size. I know on laundry day when all I have left are a pair of one-size-too-small tightie-whities, they're pretty damn uncomfortable. However, when I wear the correct sized underwear, be it boxers or briefs, they never cause discomfort. Personally, I can't believe that if properly sized thongs were uncomfortable to the majority of women out there that the lingerie companies would still be making them.

Anyway, I digress. Back to thongs and VPL. When you get dressed in the morning, I assume that you look in the mirror. Right? Next time, do the world a favor: after admiring the front of your outfit, turn around so your back is facing the mirror and crane your head around and get a good look at your posterior. If you see the dreaded VPL, take immediate action.

What action should you take? My first suggestion requires preparation: buy some thong underwear to use in these occasions. If you have a unreconcilable fear of the proverbial butt-floss, try boy-cut underwear… their seams don't show, even under really tight or clingy clothing. If you are caught unprepared, and going without underwear isn't an acceptable option, why not just change into an outfit that doesn't show off the fact that you're wearing big-assed bubba-style plain old white cotton  $2.99 for a three-pack Wal-Mart panties? Go into that closet and find something that doesn't make your butt look like it's advertising Chevron gasoline! There's always a better option than going out and looking like an ass (oy, again with the puns here.)

It's every person's job to make the world a nicer place. Give a hoot, don't visually pollute.

Next time: Let's find a male fashion faux-pas or two, shall we?

Posted in Observations.

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