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And the winner is…

So, much to Avery's chagrin, we watched the entire broadcast of the Oscars last Sunday plus the whole Joan-and-Melissa-Rivers-ranking-on-everybody's-outfit-behind-their-backs-pre-show, which was over a half-hour before the actual Oscar ceremony, which meant I had to turn to channel 8 and watch yet another pre-show with inexplicable choices of commentators/interviewers. Take Tyra Banks, for example: whose idea was it to hand this girl a microphone? After rather impatiently listening to Ashley Judd wax philisophic about the complexity of Russell Crowe's performance in The Insider and the art of filmmaking in general, Tyra could not help but loudly interrupt, screeching into the microphone something to the effect of: "!!Just like you with your purple flower, your purple eyeshadow, your purple dress…you better work girl!!" Girlfriend could just not stop bouncing up and down, screeching, and calling everyone "girl."

And what was with ABC's Pop-Up Video-esque Blurbs For the Mentally Challenged appearing at the bottom of the TV screen? "Ashley Judd's mother is Naomi Judd and her sister is Wynonna Judd. They are The Judds." We were also treated to Useless, But Fun! bits of trivia about celebrities like Arnold Schwartzenegger: "Arnold was on the Dating Game in 1972. He is now married to Maria Shriver." Just imagine the TV-watching American public squinting and tilting their heads thoughtfully over their bowls of popcorn while musing aloud, "Arnold was on the Dating Game? Huh. I wonder why they didn't tell me that on E! Celebrity Profile?"

A few other comments:

The fact that Tom Green is dating Drew Barrymore is disturbing on all levels.

Trey Parker was robbed. Might I remind the Acadamy that Mr. Parker wrote or co-wrote every single one of the songs on the South Park movie soundtrack. Now that's talent! So there are a few swears here and there. Christ, "fuck" might as well be moved over into the General Slang Catagory of the English Language As We Now Know and Use It (where "fart" and "bitch" presumably already reside&#41, it's used so prolifically. But of course, the Oscar went to a Disney movie. Of course the Oscar went to family man Phil Collins, who is probably glad that Elton John passed on singing for this animated flick, because you know he would have won. Phil Collins. What the hell is Su-su-sudio anyway?

I mean, is Tom Green going to be all "Hollywood Insider" now, like Courtney Love? Blech.

Thank God Hilary Swank won Best Actress, for she too would have been robbed if she hadn't. Here's a girl who came out of nowhere, who had played Steve Sanders' girlfriend for Christ's sake, did a movie for the art, not for the fame, not for the money, and kicked ass. You want to talk girl power? Forget the Spice Girls. I have two words: Hilary Swank.

[I didn't want to taint my in-praise-of-Hilary-Swank paragraph with this, but the fact that her husband Chad Lowe openly cried when she was on stage giving her speech, even though she didn't even mention him, was very cool. Very cute. Very awww-inspiring. Note: I have had a crush on him since junior high.]

Geez, Tom, Drew Barrymore? She's just gonna end up throwing you away like a moldy kitchen sponge, like the guitarist from Hole, and that guy she was married to for all of, what 3 weeks or something, and that guy who played the poor white trash wanna-be rock star on 90210.

Posted in Observations.

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