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Topic #7
How the heck can you stick that thing in your mouth – Part 2




Back in my liberal college days when evil old George Bush was still in office, I was a member of the "Students for Clinton" group on campus. I remember watching the election results as Clinton won state after state and feeling good that I was on the winner's side for once (I usually always root for the underdog.&#41 The American public seemed love his relative youthfulness and rugged middle-aged Arkansas charm. Evidently, he seemed to love some of them back.

This whole MonicaLewinskygate is really starting to bore and annoy me. He had urges, she had urges…so they did it. It has yet to be determined, but whatever it is — who cares anymore? Frankly, I'm still in awe that our nation's capitol is actually wasting so much time, money and energy on whether or not the Oval Office subconsciously made the President randy. Not only are the media, lawyers, pundits et al making a mountain out of a molehill (or hills&#41, the President is probably having panic attacks every night, lying in bed thinking about what he did or didn't do and what to say or not to say, not to mention how to explain the whole shebang to Chelsea. All of this oral sex nonsense is distracting him from his job, which happens to be just a wee bit important, being the Commander-In-Chief of a COUNTRY and all.

People say, "Well, it's important to know if he's lying about this, because if he's lying about this, he's going to lose all of his credibility blah blah blah." I say, if the American public thinks that the President and Co. have been totally honest with us thus far, shame on them! Like the Government doesn't have a million secrets already! Like they haven't lied about bigger and more dangerous things! Like Aliens and the Soviet Union!

The sex part is easy. Obviously the President is considered a hottie to scads of young, American hot-blooded women looking for a boost up the…Capitol ladder. Hillary knew it, and she snagged him, but that didn't stop the likes of Gennifer, Paula and now Monica from stealing a treat from the cookie jar. Affairs happen all the time all over the world. This one is no different, except that it happens to involve a famous and politically powerful person. Whether it is immoral or not is up to his/his wife's own set of values and not for the American public to judge. So they engaged in oral sex…it's not like Monica is 13 years old or anything. Let the guy have some fun! If anything, it makes him seem a little more real to most of middle America, with their sad country songs about  love gone wrong and cheating hearts and that kind of thing.

Throughout all of this, I've often wondered about what Chelsea thinks, or if people at school make fun of her. Do they talk about this in her Current Affairs class? What does she say if asked? Does she know something we don't? (Just as an aside, I'm getting a little impatient with her Silent Invisible First Daughter act.  Shouldn't she be coming out with a book soon? It might be very revealing, so to speak.&#41

If this Eager Intern Debacle does not end soon,  I fear I may just collapse out of sheer boredom. I mean, even Tori Spelling denies knowing this girl. More importantly, I just want to be sure that when the President lies in bed at night, he's thinking about the state of the nation, not his past sexual escapades.

Ooh. The president probably has gotten a blow job from Monica Lewinsky. I'm trembling! The moral fabric of the United States has been ripped asunder. Big freaking whoop.

First, let me say that I don't give a rats ass about what happens between the President of the United States and some chippie intern with a thing for men in power. Monica Lewinsky is an adult. Bill Clinton is an adult. Hillary Rodham Clinton is an adult. What goes on in the lives of three adults is NO BUSINESS of anyone else… it doesn't matter if one of the adults is the President.

I'm no supporter of the Democratic Party (or the Republican Party or any other party for that matter&#41… but Bill Clinton has been a damn good president. The economy is up, homelessness and crime is down, and he has kept us out of any significant wars. Sounds like a good president to me.

It galls me that out of all of the good that the President has done, the only thing you see in the press or on TV is some reporter citing a 3rd party "reliable" source about some suspected president jizz on Monica's dress. Hey! The blurb for the 10 O'Clock news just slammed the president once again.

The truth is this, the media has done a pretty good job of positioning the President as a fornicator and a man who has cheated on his wife. Has anyone figured out that Hillary must have known that her husband has been cheating on her for years? Guess what folks, based on the available evidence, it seems like these people have something called an OPEN MARRIAGE.

Now, listen… I don't support or decry open marriages. I really don't give a shit about what two (or more&#41 adults do in their bedroom (or bathroom or living room&#41. It's really none of our business.

Yes, there are some side issues: did Bill ask Monica to lie under oath? Who cares. If she lies, she commits perjury and proves to the United States public that she is a blithering idiot. In my job, because some other organization decides that it's the right time to politically slam me, they take advantage of a minor screw-up and try to hang me for it. The first thing that I do is call all of my friends who were on the project and get our story together. Is that immoral or unethical?

Here are my final thoughts on the subject:

  1. If the president asked Monica to lie, than he was a scared man… just like any person in his situation would. If HE lies under oath, that's another story.

  2. If Monica lies under oath for any reason, that means that she should go to jail for perjury.

  3. Who really cares if the President got a hummer from Monica. Hell, who cares if Hillary got screwed with a 10 inch vibrating dildo by Monica. What adults do in their bedroom is their business.

Thank you, and good night. I'm off to see if Monica is available for a quickie.

Posted in Topics of the Week (1990s).

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