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Beer Review by Andrew Essex, Elle Magazine, July 1998.

It's funny… you can now find beer "experts" writing about the "joys of beer" in every fashion magazine out there. Janet has a subscription to Elle which never seems to run out, though she never renews the damn thing.

Anyway, this obviously untalented freelancer got assigned the ignominious task of writing another 100 word microbrewed/craft brewed beer story. How can you sum up 750 years of modern brewing to an audience that thinks that Amstel Light is exotic?

Click photo for the
full story. (200 k

Ok. If you are going to write a beer article, there is only ONE expert to call on. That man is Michael Jackson (no, not the one-gloved wonder, the most well respected beer ciritc in the world&#41. Essex found this guy named Bruce Aidells. I've never heard of him… the only Aidell that I know of makes sausages, and is not a well published beer critic. I've never seen him mentioned in Celebrator Beer News, the beer monthly for the west… so I don't take anything that he says as the opinion of an "expert".

Point Two: Aidells recommends a "Sam Adams Wheat Brew". No such thing. Does he mean the Sam Adams Summerfest Beer? The White Ale? Which one? This is akin to Elle Magazine (where this article was published&#41 recommending the "Red MAC Lipstick"… not specific enough to be useful to the comsumer reading the article.

Point Three: They consider Sam Adams a "Microbrewed" beer. Nope. Sam Adams falls out of that federal classification. They are now considered a "craft" beer… and hardly that by any serious beer drinker.

Point Four: In the picture, they show Carta Blanca and Sapporo Silver. Neither of these beers even have a hint of character, and are mass produced. Sorry, no microbrews here!

Point Five: We don't need to hear this Guinness and Oysters pairing again. Can we get over the urban myth that Guinness has oyster shells in the mash? Guinness overpowers oysters. I prefer a bitter beer like the Anchor Small Beer with Oysters… but, I know of no restauranteur who would pair oysters with a beer when they could pair them with a Chardonnay or a nice Brut Champagne. I could also recommend Guinness with a bagel with lox and onions…. it's not bad, but adds nothing to the eating/drinking experience.

Point Six: El Bobo. San Francisco. Guinness Chocolate Cake made with Guinness. 'Nuff Said

Point Seven: Fact Check much, idiot? The beer that you referred to as "Polander" is Paulaner, one of the oldest Bavarian Brewers. They've been making beer for longer than the United States has existed. They deserve better than this.

Point Eight: Paulaner Brewery (see point seven&#41 brews a number of beers:

  • A light Hefeweisen, with a strong yeast taste
  • Salvator, a strong, malty doppelbock
  • A pilsner, which is mild and malty, with a strong Saaz hops nose
  • A "Munchener Lager" which I have never had before

They make more than those, but it's all I can recall at this time. So, which Paulaner beer are you referring to… hmm??

Final Grade: F. Go back to school, you hack. You and your editor should be canned for this one.

Posted in Scowls.

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