Reviewing the Beer Review

It’s funny… you can now find beer “experts” writing about the “joys of
beer” in every fashion magazine out there. Janet has a subscription to Elle
which never seems to run out, though she never renews the damn thing.

Anyway, this obviously untalented freelancer got assigned the ignominious
task of writing another 100 word microbrewed/craft brewed beer story. How
can you sum up 750 years of modern brewing to an audience that thinks that
Amstel Light is exotic?

Click photo for the full story. (200 k)

Ok. If you are going to write a beer article, there is only ONE expert to
call on. That man is Michael Jackson (no, not the one-gloved wonder, the
most well respected beer ciritc in the world). Essex found this guy named
Bruce Aidells. I’ve never heard of him… the only Aidell that I know of
makes sausages, and is not a well published beer critic. I’ve never seen
him mentioned in Celebrator Beer News, the beer monthly for the west… so
I don’t take anything that he says as the opinion of an “expert”.

Point Two: Aidells recommends a “Sam Adams Wheat Brew”. No such thing. Does
he mean the Sam Adams Summerfest Beer? The White Ale? Which one? This is
akin to Elle Magazine (where this article was published) recommending the
“Red MAC Lipstick”… not specific enough to be useful to the comsumer reading
the article.

Point Three: They consider Sam Adams a “Microbrewed” beer. Nope. Sam Adams
falls out of that federal classification. They are now considered a “craft”
beer… and hardly that by any serious beer drinker.

Point Four: In the picture, they show Carta Blanca and Sapporo Silver. Neither
of these beers even have a hint of character, and are mass produced. Sorry,
no microbrews here!

Point Five: We don’t need to hear this Guinness and Oysters pairing again.
Can we get over the urban myth that Guinness has oyster shells in the mash?
Guinness overpowers oysters. I prefer a bitter beer like the Anchor Small
Beer with Oysters… but, I know of no restauranteur who would pair oysters
with a beer when they could pair them with a Chardonnay or a nice Brut
Champagne. I could also recommend Guinness with a bagel with lox and onions….
it’s not bad, but adds nothing to the eating/drinking experience.

Point Six: El Bobo. San Francisco. Guinness Chocolate Cake made with Guinness.
‘Nuff Said

Point Seven: Fact Check much, idiot? The beer that you referred to as “Polander”
is Paulaner, one of the oldest Bavarian Brewers. They’ve been making beer
for longer than the United States has existed. They deserve better than this.

Point Eight: Paulaner Brewery (see point seven) brews a number of beers:

• A light Hefeweisen, with a strong yeast taste
• Salvator, a strong, malty doppelbock
• A pilsner, which is mild and malty, with a strong Saaz hops nose
• A “Munchener Lager” which I have never had before

They make more than those, but it’s all I can recall at this time. So, which
Paulaner beer are you referring to… hmm??

Final Grade: F. Go back to school, you hack. You and your editor should be
canned for this one.