Skip to content


New Bar Mode

Janet and I had planned to meet at the Hartford Brewery in Downtown Hartford after work on Friday, but an unfortunate car accident sort of put the kibosh on those plans… and by the time all of the paperwork was taken care of, the last thing I wanted to be was in New Bar Mode.

New Bar Mode encompasses all of the rituals that I observe when going to a new bar where I feel I might want to become a regular. It usually entails me being gregarious and talking up the bartenders and regulars to get a good feel for what sort of drinks they serve and what kind of people frequent the place. Though I had been to the Hartford Brewery once before (in December, 1998 when Janet and I were making a trip through Connecticut and NYC&#41, but since we weren't planning on living in Connecticut any time soon, I decided to forego the New Bar Mode rituals then. Now, I just wanted to be somewhere comfortable, where I didn't have to be "on" for the entire night. So, we decided to go down to The Spigot after dinner for a quick beer.

We arrived at the bar at 8pm or so and I was happy to see Jim, our favorite bartender serving up the beers. The Spigot uses a rotating weekend schedule, and it had been so long since we had been there, I forgot that this was his Friday to work. We spotted two seats at the end of the bar and sat down. Jim immediately came over to say "hi" and to take our order, which was a pair of Magic Hat #9s. Since the bar was sort of quiet, he brought us our beers and started to talk about how bad his day had been.

Avery: Your day couldn't have been as bad as mine.
Jim: Oh yeah? Hold on…

Jim then poured himself a double Captain Morgan and Coke and started in on his story. He was on his way to an interview when he was rear-ended by a courier truck, totaling his car: a two month old 1998 Kia Sephia.

Avery: Really? I just got into an accident today too… took out the back driver's side door.
Jim: What kind of a car do you have?

Avery: A 1999 Kia Sephia.

A few minutes of commiserating later, I realized that not only was my accident not nearly as bad as it could have been, but that Friday was definitely a bad day for Kia Sephias.

The one round of beer turned into four for me (a Guinness and two Anchor Liberty Ales&#41 and three (two pints of Guinness&#41 for Janet… and we didn't leave until after 11pm, but I was able to walk out of the bar without the accident induced emotions that I came in with a few short hours earlier.

Posted in Barflies At Large.


Land of the Free and The Home…

God Bless America!
God Bless us with fireworks that were invented by the Chinese, set off by an Italian family which was funded by a Australian conglomerate using Japanese computers and technology on a barge sitting on the Connecticut River, which was stolen from the Pequot and Mohegan tribes by a Dutch religious zealot who is having a major shopping and sports complex named after him.
God Bless America!

Welcome to the Fourth of July celebration in Hartford, Connecticut… which for some reason is being held this year on the 3rd. What a fitting way to celebrate the birth of a rebellious little country, by snubbing our noses up at our own traditions.

Fourth of July? Who said that we have to hold the Fourth of July on the Fourth?

Let's set the scene. It's somewhere between ninety and ten-thousand degrees with a relative humidity of 100%, and Janet's mother, Donna, and brother, Andrew, have come over to say hi and bring us a plastic orchid plant (don't ask&#41. Nine thirty rolls around, and we happen to be tuned into channel 61, our local Fox affiliate. Suddenly, we look up to see the poorly crafted computerized logo of Riverfest 99: Hartford's celebration of the American Independence Day.

Donna, Janet and Avery: Aren't the fireworks supposed to happen on the Fourth?

The screen goes black, and the incessant chatter of the spokes-drones ends. The fireworks must be ready to start. The beginning of the Fourth of July tradition is about to commence. I take a pull off of my American-made Magic Hat Brewing Co. Fat Angel, and get ready to start the dripping-with-sarcasm Oohs and Aahs.

The fireworks begin, a few seconds later the computer-synchronized music starts. It's We Will Rock you by Queen.

Andrew: Isn't Queen a British band?
Avery: Yeah, really patriotic.

The music changes to Queen's We Are The Champions, which is quite fitting again: a British singer proclaiming himself "Champion of the World"… isn't this what we rebelled against 223 years ago? Still, we could hear the Budweiser induced hoots and hollers of the crowd over the boom-boom-boom of the fireworks.

Avery: Nice choice of music.  Didn't they play Classical music before?
Donna: The symphony used to play for the fireworks.
Janet: Yeah.

The music changes. We're now treated to Voices that Care, a fitting song to be played while watching ancient Chinese ammunition (fireworks were designed for military uses by the Chinese&#41 explode in the sky. Hearing Peter Cetera's bubblegum voice counterpointed by thunderous explosions just made me damn proud to live in the land of the free and the home of the brave. I'm so moved, I grab a bottle of Farmington Brewing Company Mahogany Ale to keep me from bursting out laughing.

We now shift to the ultra patriotic Proud to be an American, a twangy, country ditty played in the middle of the Capitol city of the Ultra-Yankees. Still, even this depressing as hell melody couldn't dampen the heart pounding excitement of these slightly better than backyard fireworks. It's the Third of July, and I'm proud to be an American. Yes-sir-ree, that's me. Born in the land of the free.

Cut to the announcement of the corporate sponsors: Fox, Heineken and Mohegan Sun. Yep. The land of the Free is sponsored by the Aussies, the Dutch and the tribe that we stole Connecticut from.

The music shifts to In The Mood, that great old swing piece that gets your toes tapping and your butt-cheeks moving. Unfortunately, the smooth sound of In the Mood isn't quite the mood that a staccato fireworks display needs. Still, it's an American song, and I'm an Patriotic American.

Didn't the Patriots just blow off Hartford in exchange for the bustling metropolis of Framingham?

The music moves to the sweet sound of Ray Charles singing O, Beautiful. Appropriate music or not, I have nothing bad to say about Saint Ray.

Janet: Where's the 1812 Overture?

Nope, not the 1812 Overture. Instead, a song that makes us proud to be Americans: Michael Jackson singing Save the World. Nothing says good ol' American Values like a trans-colored (sort of like trans-gendered… he's a black man who is in the process of becoming white, instead of a man becoming a woman, which some people think that our boy MJ has contemplated once or twice&#41 man who has had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers and sleeps with little boys and chimpanzees.

Now for the 1812 Overture. Big booming finale in almost in synch with the cannon fire of the music. I get up to start writing this down before I forget any of the salient details.

But Wait! There's Something More!

The Imperial March begins. No longer is a classic fireworks piece like the 1812 enough to keep the attention of the kiddies out there. No sir! Now we have to inject a little bit of pop culture into our traditional celebration, and what better song to end a fireworks celebration than the god damned Darth Vader theme from The Empire Strikes Back. Let's end the Day Before Independence Day by listening to the theme of a despot who tries to take over the galaxy. Yep. I'm so proud to be an American. What next? The theme to Star Wars?

This Third of July, brought to you by Fox.

The Imperial March ends and the Theme to Star Wars begins. What's wrong? The Phantom Menace isn't doing well enough so Fox got their affiliates to buy rights to the local fireworks celebrations all around the country and then had them surreptitiously slip in some pro-Star Wars propaganda into our Independence Day celebration?

Proud to be an American. Land of the free and the home of the brave…

…underwritten by Budweiser: The Undisputed King of Beers.

Posted in Scowls.


Cars Love Us…

Before we bought our lovely new car, we had to deal with a car that overheated if you even so much as thought about driving it. What would start out as an innocuous little drive to the mall would turn into the Car Ride of Terror, complete with me panicking and yelping "It's going to the 'H'…It's at the 'H'…Oh, phew, the needle's going back down…oh shit! It shot right back up to the 'H'! Shhh! Do you hear any hissing? Is it hissing? I think there's something wrong with the needle. This doesn't make any sense! Should I pull over? What do I do? It's still at the 'H'! Stupiddumbuglypieceofshit car!"

One recent Sunday, the car was at it's very worst. It was overheating after mere minutes of driving it, and steam was pouring out if the hood. We decided that enough was enough and tried to find someone to tell us exactly what the hell was wrong with this deathtrap of a car. Ha! It was Sunday in Connecticut. Evidently, no mechanics work on Sunday. They do all kinds of things with tires, but no mechanical work, as we found out when we drove our steaming car into the Pep Boys parking lot.

Going to Pep Boys is bad enough; I mean, the three guys on the logo look friendly and smiley enough, but the actual Pep Boys staff can't be bothered to lift a finger to help you. They either strut around yelling out things in Car Part Code (the mechanic-type people&#41 or they stand behind a counter looking very bored, won't acknowledge that you're standing there until a good five minutes have passed, and then attempt to be as non-helpful as possible (the sales staff&#41. Everything you ask for is either out of stock, is backordered, has to be special ordered, or they plain just don't have it. When they really don't feel like doing anything, they tell you to "go look it up in that book over there." When you inform them that the book only goes up to 1987 models and you own a 1993, they respond, "Look, if it's not in the book then we ain't got it." Gee, thanks.

The last time we went to Pep Boys, we pulled into a parking space next to the ugliest color turquoise pseudo sportscar I've ever seen. It was surrounded by a group of men and boys yammering in Russian and admiring the handywork of yet another man who was installing something under the car. As soon as we started walking away, they start yelling at me, "Hey! Escuse me! Escuse me! Hey!" and gesturing for me to come back to the car. I do, and they start grunting and pointing — first at a scratch on their car door, then at my car door. Their door, my door. I get the point. Now, I know the door on our used car was a little rusty and kind of dented, but I also sure as hell would have noticed if I had opened the door and bumped their door. Especially with a huge group of people standing around it.

I argue with them and they keep speaking broken English and gesticuating at the door with their little cigarettes that they have smoked down to the point of hardly being able to hold the things anymore. Avery sees that I'm still over there, comes back and sticks up for me by demonstrating that if I open my door, it doesn't come anywhere near their door at all. One of the Russians obviously doesn't buy it and swings my door back and forth, back and forth as if trying to force it to hit their door. Ha! They're wrong! "Thanks for accusing me" I say. "Next time get your facts straight." One of them holds his hand up to me in a kind of Russian version of the "talk to the hand" motion, complete with cigarette, which at this point is just basically just the ashes of the cigarette. "Asshole." I say, for good measure. They don't respond, which was the most frustrating part of all. They probably don't even know what "asshole" means.

Posted in Scowls.


Uh… You're Not Japanese… Are You?

You'll never be able to get good sushi out there.

That was the general reaction from all of our friends in San Francisco when we told them that we were moving back east to Hartford. Of course, most of the people making this statement had never been to Hartford before, but they brought up a good point. Over the last five years, we had become quite the sushi conniseurs. Janet and I made a point to go out for sushi at least once a month, and had tried over 20 sushi restaurants since we first arrived in California (over 10 in San Francisco alone&#41.

That's not all. When we would go out to sushi, we were at the bar for at least two hours at a time. Between our college Japanese classes and the time we spent with our friend Toshi, we knew not only how order in Japanese, but we could carry on a conversation with the chef and even knew enough of the customs so that we didn't come off as ignorant gaijin. We were sushi fanatics, but now we were moving to a uncharted sushi territory. Would we be without our favorite food now that we were moving to the East Coast?

When we first arrived in Hartford, we made a point to immediately start our search for a good sushi bar. The first restaurant that we tried was Osaka in West Hartford Center. Osaka had been around for 8 years, so we figured that it would be a safe choice. We were mistaken.

The first problem was the music. For some reason, they were playing Indian music. Usually, a Japanese restaurant will play Japanese music… or at least classical music. But when you hear Indian music at a Japanese restaurant, you feel like they're trying to pull one over on the white folk. Still, it wasn't a clear sign that the meal was going to be a disaster.

When we sat down at the bar, they presented us with a full menu and a little check-sheet ticket for the sushi. Two bad signs in a row. First, when you sit at a sushi bar, you should only be eating sushi, soup or a light appetizer like chawan-mushi (egg custard with tuna&#41 or hamachi-kama (salted broiled yellowtail neck&#41. You shouldn't ever order cooked food like chicken teriyaki, as the smell of the sauce overpowers the fish. So, if the restaurant expects people to order that kind of food when they sit at a sushi bar… there's a problem. The sushi ticket was a bigger problem.

The interaction between the sushi chef and the customer is an integral part of the sushi experience. You're supposed to order a couple of pieces of nigiri, then wait for a little while… ask what else is fresh, maybe buy the chef a beer and then order your next round. You're supposed to develop a rapport with the chef. Places that use the "card" method where you're instructed to just check off the fish that you want are usually suspect.

I addressed the chef in Japanese and asked if we could just order piece by piece. He didn't understand me. Figuring that I was speaking with a horrid American accent, I asked him again in English and he said that we could order piece by piece from him.

As we continued with the mediocre meal, I noticed that the chefs were speaking in something other than Japanese. I knew I had heard that language before… what is it?

Shit. Cantonese. I was in a Chinese-run Japanese restaurant that was playing Indian music. I wasn't speaking poorly, they just didn't speak any Japanese. A few directed questions confirmed that the chefs had never worked for a Japanese chef before, or had even gone through any formal sushi training. They were just ordering "sushi grade fish", using a cookbook recipe for sushi rice and were making a go of it. That's why their fish was not prepared properly. I don't know what offended me more: Chinese chefs impersonating Japanese chefs, or the fact that the patrons never knew the difference. Our usual two hour sushi meal was concluded within an hour.

Disappointed but still optimistic, we tried another restaurant the next weekend: Fuji. When we walked in, we were greeted with the traditional irasshimase and were immediately seated at the bar… which was a good sign, and hopefully a good omen. The chef then directly greeted us with a konnichiwa (good day&#41, to which I responded konbanwa, o-genki desu-ka (good evening, how are you&#41? He immediately started speaking to us in Japanese. A good sign.

After we were seated, the waitress asked for our drink order and passed us a menu and one of those check-sheets. The chef immediately told us that we didn't need to use check-sheets and that they were there to make it easier for people who had never been out for sushi before. The menu was there in case we wanted appetizers (we ordered the edamame (boiled, salted soybeans&#41&#41, but it was expected that we were not going to get any cooked food. The edamame was fantastic, and the first round of fish was excellent.

Still, something seemed a little wrong… but I couldn't put my finger on it. I asked the chef what his name was, and he responded "Ko"… which is not a traditional Japanese name. I asked what prefecture (state&#41 he was from, and he said that he was from China.

My heart sunk. Were there no Japanese owned sushi bars in Hartford? What were we going to do? I mean, the fish was good, but if the chef wasn't trained in the traditional Japanese manner, the fish selection would probably be hit or miss. Ko continued as I wracked my brain in a mild sake-induced panic, saying "but I apprenticed for five years in Nagoya" which is the town in Japan where our college Japanese instructor was from. He went on to say that he lived in Japan, went through the standard apprenticeship and was a licensed sushi chef in Japan. He was fluent in Japanese, had a Japanese wife and was working in Boston as a sushi chef until 1998, when he bought Fuji from the retiring owner. Ko had his fish delivered in by his personal fishmonger that he used when he was a chef in Boston, and went up there occasionally to work in his friend's sushi bar, Yama (which has a phenomenal reputation&#41.

Over the next few hours, we ate and talked and listened to his stories of trying to educate the locals about good fish. When we left, we were ecstatic. The food was great, the chef/owner was superb and the experience ended up being as good as any place in San Francisco.

We went back to Fuji Friday night for a two hour meal of sushi, sake and biiru (beer&#41. We ate and ate and drank (Ko even let us buy him a beer&#41 and put ourselves in his hands as he created some oishii (tasty&#41 and kawaii (pretty&#41 dishes that he knew we would appreciate. Once it was ika (squid&#41 sashimi with cucumber, another time it was chopped tako (octopus&#41 with salmon roe. He even brought us a broiled sake-kama (salted salmon neck&#41 which was the best I had ever eaten.

But the most touching part of the evening came when we asked for the check. Ko gave us one of the check-sheets and asked if we remembered everything we had eaten and then to mark our orders down on the sheet. The fact is, he trusted that we were going to mark down everything honestly… and when I told him that we marked down everything that we could remember, he told us that we were his friends and that it he was sure it was close enough.

I now have a favorite sushi restaurant in Connecticut… and it only took two tries to find it.

Posted in Smirks.


Traveling Tips

Anyone who saw us before we left San Francisco for the East Coast knows that one of the things that was stressing me out the most was the fact that our two always-inside-never-have-gone-outside cats were going to have to fly with us. Here's how it all turned out:

It took us going through and discarding 4 pills before Odie (the skittish cat who wouldn't go anywhere near the brand-new, sheepskin-lined $50 cat carrier we bought for her, even when it was simply sitting on the kichen floor&#41 finally swallowed one ("You have to just throw it down her throat" I said to Avery.&#41 Cried because it felt like I was torturing her. Got a big cat scratch. Mu (the mellower of the two&#41 calmly swallowed her pill.

Got to airport. Had to hand the cats over to the United people right away, and they were just like, yeah, whatever, sign here please, no, we've never heard a complaint. I start to cry again. Odie starts to yowl in a funny, drunken-sounding way.

Some maintenance-looking guy puts the cat carriers on a dolly to bring them to the "Holding Area" whatever the hell that is. He lets us go with him, up until the point that he has to go through some restricted door. I am hysterical at this point, what with my drugged cat meowing this fucked-up, scared meow which I have never heard before and hope never to hear again. Not to mention all the people in the terminal yelling "OH! A KITTY! KITTY! MEOW! MEOW! Look it's a KITTY!" making the cat even more agitated. Fuckers.

The guy comes back from the holding area with an empty dolly. We're still there because I can't move because I'm still crying and gulping for air. Avery keeps trying to get me to stop. I stand with my back to the crowds at the baggage carousels because I don't want anyone to stare at me being hysterical. I buy a Pizza Hut Personal Pizza, which doesn't make me feel any better.

On the plane, tears come to my eyes when we take off (because the cats are scared&#41, every time there is turbulance (again, cats, scared&#41, etc. I have a big fat stress headache by the time we land. The pilot tells bad jokes for what seems like ever ("Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken SEDAN."&#41 Oh, and before I forget: a big, giant Thank You to everyone that felt compelled to tell me their fucking airline terror stories about their friend's aunt's ex-husband's housekeeper's dogs freezing to death, or about the airline people abusing the animals for fun, or how the airline personnel just throw the pets down into some dark baggage compartment of the plane…that's all I could think about the whole way there. Once again, thanks!

Aside from Odie having to sleep off the drugs for the next two days and Mu weaving around the apartment as if she had just consumed six-and-a-half beers, the cats were — and are — fine. But I'll never travel with pets on an airplane again!

Posted in Observations.


GNEBF

Yesterday, Janet and I decided to make the hour-long trek up to Northampton, MA for the Great New England Brewers Festival.

The GNEBF is the largest regional craft-brew festival in New England, showcasing 40 local breweries and a number of international brews, giving beer aficionados over 90 beers to choose from over the three day festival.

As beer festivals go, the GNEBF is a bit pricy. It cost $6.00 per person just to get through the door and to get the cheap plastic souvenir cup, and six ounce samples were $1.25 a pop each (except for the international beers which ran $2.50 for six ounces&#41. Add $3.00 for parking and you end up with an expensive way to spend the afternoon.

The primary reason that Janet and I went up to the festival is because we are horribly uneducated on our new local beers. Sure, I can rattle on for hours about the differences between an Anderson Valley Hop Ottin IPA and a Lagunitas Maximus IPA… but ask me the difference between a North East Brewing Lobsterback IPA and a McNeill's Dead Horse IPA and I'll just shrug my shoulders.

So, we figured that we could go to the festival and try 10 or 12 different local beers and get our local brew bearings. However, as I sit here in my lonely computer room, I realize that I could have picked up full 12 ounce bottles of most of the beers available at the GNEBF for $1.00 each at Crazy Bruces, and enjoyed them without having to worry about the car crapping out on the way there (or the way home&#41, or having to deal with the crowds or anything like that.

But there is more to a beer festival than just drinking beer… it lets you spend time with the brewers themselves so you can get an idea of what they are trying to accomplish with the beers that they chose to showcase. That's why they call it a brewers festival, right?

Wrong. In the State of Massachussets, the brewers were not even allowed in the festival due to some archaic laws about brewers and the specific type of alcohol permits required to serve their beer… so instead of having them at the festival milling around to answer questions, the festival organizers simply banned the brewery staff from the premises.

In other words, there was no benefit to driving out to Northampton over buying 10 or twelve singles at Crazy Bruces and kicking back on my porch to enjoy them. What a gyp.

Basically, we drove two hours (round trip&#41 to sit in the middle of a dusty fair ground to drink beers with Budweiser-clad college boys and drink overpriced samples of beer at a brewers festival that didn't have any of the brewers in attendance. Even seeing a familiar face from the 1999 Barleywine Festival at the Toronado and bumping into another ex-San Franciscan with a Toronado t-shirt isn't enough to justify the time and wear-and-tear on the ol' Civic.

Posted in Barflies At Large.